Thinking about another Flood (Long Post)

Hi everyone--
It's time I checked in, especially since I am considering another flood. 

I flooded in February 2011 for spiritual, health, and relationship reasons. I purged and my rheumatoid arthritis went away for a day or so, but came back. The whole experience blew my mind apart, and was very very intense. I gained a particular groundedness, though. 
I boosted a week later, and microdosed a couple months after that. 

Then, in January 2013, I took 1g of TA, basically alone. I thought I was microdosing, but I had taken the wrong pill. Regardless, it was a transformative, scary, but ultimately renewing experience. It had many qualities of a flood. 

I had been abstaining from orgasm as a spiritual practice/for mental and emotional health for a couple months prior. I continued abstaining. My consciousness was becoming incredibly lucid, defined, grounded, and powerful. 

Then, in April 2013, I drank Salvia tea for the first time. The afterglow was nothing like I had ever experienced. I felt incredibly balanced, awake, in love with the universe, completely 100% sure of my place and purpose in the universe. My life was far from perfect, but I had a clear vision of the future and the past. The best way I can describe the afterglow is that everything seemed incredibly real. Reality was Here. I had fully arrived into reality. 

4 days later, I felt ripe for a mushroom trip, so I did that with a friend. It was the right decision. Incredible lucidity, love, hope, etc. By far the best mushroom trip to date. 

4 days after that, I was becoming restless, though still quite happy. I felt like I had tapped into a reality, an energy that was far above what everyone else was used to. The tension between my clarity and the mental habits of others was rising. So that night, I decided to address this uneasiness by asking the Salvia tea for guidance again. 

I found myself not really into the experience. It was uneventful and not very insightful. Regardless, I drank the whole cup, wishing to put my consciousness in an innocent-newborn like state. 

Then a friend came into my room and talked about some sentimental spiritual thoughts she was having. I tried to be compassionate, but I ended up attempting to dismantle her attachments, akin to the spirit of the Salvia. She left the room, mostly unfazed. 

The main effects wore off, and across my hall (I live in a college dorm), my neighbor and his extremely depressed, angry friend were drinking themselves into a punk-music-worshipping frenzy, shouting and banging furniture around, singing at the top of their lungs, carrying a lot of negative energy. The friend, let's call him C, was out of control. 

Feeling somewhat serene and able to handle the situation, I knocked on the door. It opened and I began politely asking them to keep it down for my sake. As I was speaking, C was yelling at me, insulting me in many ways. I continued talking, and tried to reason with him. Hah! 

He grabbed my hand, stuck a beer in it, shoved me out the door, about 3 feet backwards. I didn't respond, and he slammed the door, further pushing my body out of the room. I think this happened twice. We met a few minutes later in the hall. He was still insulting me, and I deflected his insults, trying to appeal to his good nature, i.e. insulting his propensity for insulting. I walked away. 

What happened next is subtle, I think. I tried to cope with it, reminding myself that they were being assholes and it had nothing to do with me personally. I went in my room, waited out their mindless "partying," sat in front of my computer and ate about a half a pound of smoked salmon bits. Most certainly stress-eating. I closed the computer and went to bed. 

As I went to bed I marveled at the fact that I had homocidal thoughts. I hated C. He was a jerk, and he knew it, but proceeded to make other people's lives miserable. I wanted him dead. I fantasized about stabbing him in the chest. Then I reminded myself that of course, I would never ever do such a thing, and that he would eventually, perhaps lifetimes from now, see the light. And with that thought, I drifted to sleep. 

I woke the next morning, and something was different. The tapestry on my wall hung, lifeless. It stared at me blankly with patterns that could have been any pattern, I didn't give a shit. 

I didn't give a shit.

About anything. Anyone. I thought of my mother, and I knew all the facts about our history, but I didn't feel connected to her, or anyone. The bright mind, piercing gaze, and full heart I had up until then had completely vanished. I did not feel excited about anything. I felt mentally stupid and emotionally retarded. I felt like I had become just another human animal. I couldn't cry--I was panicking. 

Reality was no longer real to me. I operated my body like a puppet. I went through the motions of school as best I could, but it was extremely difficult to concentrate. Partially because I was terrified that I had done some permanent damage to my consciousness. 

A week later, I cried in front of a girl friend who cared(s) much about me. It was quite therapeutic, and grounded me a little, but my mind still felt vacant. Very very vacant. 

Weeks passed, then months, and I've felt the same. I keep waiting for a relief moment where my consciousness and reality click back together, but it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes it maybe happens, but then it fades quickly. My face has changed; when I look in the mirror, my eyes look dull, my face blank and sagging. I am 24. 

Since then, I've only had one real trip: 4-aco-dmt. It was immensely positive, and changed my life for the better, I believe. That said, the way I relate to that life of mine remains disconnected as before. 

Today, I have learned to smile, and I feel like I have created a pretty convincing facade, but I feel disconnected from it. I am acting out of fear most of the time. I am afraid. I would like to begin acting out of love again. Real love. 

I microdosed 3 times before school started this Fall, and that was a spiritually productive week and a half. I'd like to think it has helped heal my sense of depersonalization/derealization (yes, I said it), but I'm not quite sure. 

I would like to flood again. Perhaps not TA this time, maybe Ibogaine HCl. The TA was pretty rough on my body both floods. Would HCl be gentler? I would like to purge, still, definitely. 

I am also planning on going to Peru for three months this January to work with a medicine woman to try to cure my rheumatoid arthritis. She uses ayahuasca very gently- starting small and working up, while administering various other herbs from the jungle in between sessions. I've spoken to a woman she healed from breast cancer. 

I feel a strong affinity, loyalty toward Iboga. I listen to the Bwiti Files and they make me happy. Something tells me the Iboga should come BEFORE the ayahuasca, not after. 

If you have any response to *any* of this, it will be much appreciated. I am still not sure what happened that night, or what is wrong with me, or really about anything. Thank you for reading. 

<3 ?

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💬 13 comments

13 Comments

roxine· 2d ago

mistyfalcon17, Thank you for sharing. I had a friend who swore salvia had taken away his soul. I have never tried salvia mostly because of my friends story. He took Iboga and I thought it would help him. I think it was helping until less than a week later he took MDMA even when I told him not to, not even knowing at the time that it was very dangerous to do so and could even be deadly. I think it stopped everything Iboga was working on and set him backwards even. I do know it was helping him regain something until he took the "molly". I also think you should do Iboga before Ayahauscha. Iboga stays in the system for much longer and I know from personal experience that DMT and Iboga don't like each other well. Again thank you for sharing this very personal and well written account. roxine

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noelani91· 2d ago

+1 Reading your post, clearly the part of you that is untouched by these issues is still shining through - there is nothing depersonalized about your post, quite the opposite so I would encourage you to continue holding onto that part of you and let it speak for you. I'm thinking out loud here but I wonder if a one on one shamanic healing might be of help rather than trying to go it alone with iboga. You may not live in an area where you have access to someone who could do that for you but having someone physically there supporting you and doing healing would certainly be another way to tackle this. I went to a class Friday night about setting up a shamanic altar - your own sacred space in your home to help you connect to your own sacred space inside of you. It really resonated with me. I'm doing a workshop with the same guy this Saturday. He is very well protected from a shamanic point of view and does a lot of healing work. When he opens the mesa at the start of the workshop (which everyone participating then becomes part of), I am going to ask for healing for all members of this forum past & present as it won't just be my intention but part of a much greater energy field. It seems like there has been a significant spike in the number of folks here that are hurting and maybe this might help a little. So, next Saturday just be conscious of some healing energy coming everyone's way. I am curious that both you and lala said that you should do iboga before ayahuasca. I'd like to hear more about the reasoning behind that but maybe in a new thread so as not to hijack this one. I only found out about iboga because I was doing an ayahuasca retreat which is ironic given that they don't get along together.

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georgena92· 1d ago

Wonderful write up synopsis, shocking to me that you are so young. I can drum up a few thoughts. That the eyes are the seat of the soul and in my worldview Sananga is the exact treatment (when you said your eyes were dull). For many of the issues you describe I think of Kambo. At least for practical training purposes Ayahuasca clears out a lot but Iboga does the total cleaning job. So as the more Ayahuasca sessions you have before Iboga the deeper the Iboga can go. Most experts in the field (not many of them) of the trinity (Iboga-Ayahuasca-Kambo) will say Ayahuasca and Kambo is the best practice for the apex of Iboga.

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riverbend· 1d ago

I can relate to so much of what you wrote.

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roxine· 1d ago

Actually entheo and Rhythm Spring, I think I meant Aya before Iboga.. sorry for the confusion. I think Aya after a month or more would be fine but I don't think it should be done soon after a flood. My mistake. roxine

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moll31· 1d ago

mistyfalcon17, Listen youngbuck , you have ALWAYS struck me as this type of individual from what I have gleaned from your posts. I should let you know that when I read your flood report a while back I was BLOWN AWAY beyond words. You had some profound realizations and insights and there was so much raw feeling and emotion echoing through your words. I felt a connection to your spirit immediately and believe it or not I think your flood report was the first one that I had ever happened upon and it was on another site if I am not mistaken. It immediately caused me to have an attraction to Iboga that went beyond addiction interruption. You said 'Something tells me the Iboga should come BEFORE the ayahuasca, not after.' For myself, I have intuited the opposite. I haven't been through a flood proper, but before I do so I plan to work with aya some and I have preceeded this with Kambo. Of course, it is different strokes for different folks. I have got to ask, do you want to do the Iboga just because you want those feelings to come back, you know the peace, love and harmony stuff? Are you sure it ever left? You are allowed to have negative thoughts sneak in (yes, even thoughts of hatred...it happens sometimes to those of us who aren't fully enlightened). It is the identification with and guilt created by these thoughts that will cause me to spiral ooc, if anything. I have to let it go, because it is not who I am. IT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE, don't identify with it. It basically sounds like you would like to rush into a flood to escape the little bit of darkness that you have or may perceive within yourself. My opinion is that this would not be the way to go, especially considering your fast approaching excursion to Peru. It is so soon and I believe it could be highly productive for you to lean on the powerful teacher / healer that is innately within. You no doubt have this and no doubt are able to access it. Microdosing sessions are also very powerful as we both know. I should note that when I read some of your posts there may be a little extra emtion evoked because my dad has RA. He has had it for 25 years and his rheumatologist at U of M hospital once said it is the worst case he has ever seen. The disease has certainly been a part of my life and its avoidance was one of several catalysts in my gravitation toward holistic health. Unlike my dad, you have both the youth and the high-level awareness within yourself to be able to overcome the disease or at least many aspects of it. Any healing energy that can be transmitted through the ether is in route brother. I am really glad you are around here.

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joellen_reads· 1d ago

hi mistyfalcon17, i would like to comment on the key experience that you had. remember all the talk about protected place and setting - you clearly where not in a protected space and so it happened that you shared your space with your neighbours and this is where this all comes from. it brought something out in you, which, i believe, goes along this lines: 'how dare they? i hate them. i wish them dead'. and all your struggles with putting on a fake smile on your face.. it is as if you don't want this to have happened. 'if only these guys had not been there'. 'if only i had not taken the tea in that place'. 'if only i had not allowed myself to express these sentiments'. but you have, they where hidden in you and now you can not deny it any more. that is why you can not have fun any more. you realize on a deep level that it was fake. given the severity of what you felt towards that guy that night, you begin to sense the severity of the corruption of human nature, of our hearts. and you are still in shock. you still don't want to know. you still hope that an other iboga ceremony can take it away. flip the switch. there is a good side in this. the death wishing hate is attached to a deep suffering. and that is very worthwhile feeling. when you allow yourself to feel this, and you did, as involuntarily as it seems, you will have had a taste of that suffering. in a way it is like a death touch. but, please believe me, it is a blessing. honour it. feel it. it will make you humble and kind. it will give you real compassion and it will make you care for real. and when you see how your real care comes to fruition, you will be happy. this, i believe, is the way. bless you!

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mistyfalcon17· 1d ago

Hi everyone, I appreciate every single one of your posts a lot. I'm currently really busy with school and dealing with RA (hurts to type), but I will respond to all of you when I get a chance. Your support means a great deal.

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lynnet· 1d ago

Hi mistyfalcon17, Just came across this new article, helps me understand the RA situation better. Something about the therapeutic effects of undenatured type II collagen (UC-II®) http://www.lef.org/magazine/mag2013/oct2013_Novel-Mechanism-Protects-Against-Arthritis_01.htm take care and hope to hear from you when you have more time, lynnet

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mistyfalcon17· 1d ago

^ Been there, tried that. Still hella busy. I don't know when it'll let up either.

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lynnet· 1d ago

Oh ok well I'm going through a life threatening diagnosis, so I'm trying to find another doctor. No pain or suffering currently. Will post more details as I get some more medical attention. lynnet

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mistyfalcon17· 23h ago

georgena92: "Most experts in the field...of the trinity (Iboga-Ayahuasca-Kambo)" ... you mean, yourself? : P Also, I'll pass on the Sananga--My eyes being dull is not the problem: It's the perceptual problem that is the problem. roxine: I suggested Ayahuasca after Iboga because, in my experience, kappa opioid agonists such as Salvia or Iboga tend to break down the tryptamine afterglow, whereas, taken beforehand, set the stage/grounding very nicely for a tryptamine excursion. Just look at the trajectory in my original post with my Salvia Tea experiences and the mushroom one sandwiched in between. This afterglow-destroying thing happened one more time, with tiny 4-aco-dmt experience and subsequent Iboga microdosing. Conversely, my trips that are in the wake of a Salvia experience tend to be my best ones. So that's my reasoning. moll31: I really appreciate your kind words. It's not the homocidal negative thoughts that worried me, it was just how I felt that morning. And how I saw. They mean a lot. I hope your Dad finds his healing. I'll definitely be reporting back about my experience in the Amazon. Mo: I have taken in your post and have been processing it. Wise words, I believe. So, right now I am less desperate for a flood. I brought up this experience with my therapist, and since then I've actually been feeling more grounded in reality. Like, things are really shifting. Really. There are a few other factors, like a possible love, that may be playing into this. And I am once again abstaining from orgasm. I'll keep you guys in the loop. Thank you all for all your support. This community means a lot to me.

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georgena92· 22h ago

I'm not sure if your purposefully disrespectful to what I say any time I post or not. Needless to say you obviously don't gain from my perspective.

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