M
moll31
13 Sept 2026
What I call my disease...or dis-ease
I go to NA because it helps me to become acutely aware that my thinking is very similar to a lot of others in those rooms. I don't necessarily like everyone, however I do want freedom from active addiction for each and every person. For me, I am learning more about this thing they refer to as a disease. I personally believe it is a spiritual entity that attached itself to me at some point when I opened the door unbeknowenst in my eariler years of drinking and druggin' hard.
Now I am aware of two separate entities, or trains of thought if you will, in the brain. The first says "thank you Creator for this day and a better way of life as well as the opportunity to go to Peru in December." Immediately following that comes a different thought that sounds and feels so separate. It says "you aren't going to Peru, you'll relapse and fuck everything up and lose your job first."
I feel my recovery depends these realizations and that I am not unique with these battles. It goes back to the Cherokee Legend about the two wolves:
http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TwoWolves-Cherokee.html
This is why I believe in the 12 steps, however I also advocate the safe and proper use of entheogens for healing purposes. I am a renegade in those rooms because I will bring up entheogens before and after meetings.
Question: Does this damn forum have a spell check? If so where is it and how do I use it. I am always going to google to make sure I spell words correctly. Yeah, I am very anal retentive.
Anyway, I always like to put recovery and staying clean in the spotlight. Today is my first day truly truly clean. I will post about it tomorrow. Opiates were replaced by weed and benzos, then kratom, then benzos again. I did something yesterday to "jumpstart" my way to cleanliness. I feel good and I will elaborate tomorrow after making it through day and night.
Thanks for all your help y'all. I am a Michigander living in the South, so I feel I can start saying y'all.
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