An Update On Me

Well it has been some time now since my flood, actually less than 2 months now that I think about it.  It seems like a lot more time has gone by but I suppose it hasn't.  I decided to take off on an adventure shortly after my flood in late June.  

I got offered a ride to the Rainbow gathering in Montana and was there from July 1-7.  I made my way to Seattle after the gathering to visit my ex-girlfriend.  We spent 2 weeks together that were great.  We really reconnected and I had some of the best times of my life with her.  We talked seriously about being together and it seemed that was what was going to happen.  We were planning on going back to California where I'm from together, until out of nowhere she told me I needed to leave and to not contact her again.  I didn't know how to react, it was so sudden and unexpected that I went into a completely numb state for 8 hours.  She blocked my number, and deleted me from fb, and skype, leaving me with no way to even contact her.  It was such a heavy blow.  We had just talked about having kids together and getting married, spending the rest of our lives together.  What she did was really fucked and I still don't even know what happened and why.  

Being that I was backpacking I made my way back to Seattle from her place which was on the outskirts.  My first night there I was offered 25i, some wacky research chemical.  Being dumb and not thinking things through I took it.  I ended up wandering off and left my gear and boots.  When I came to in the middle of the night, all my gear was gone, I didn't even have shoes.  Someone had taken it.  I had no sleeping bag, jacket, shoes, nothing.  The later part of the night I had a horrible trip and froze thruout the night.  

Fortunately I was able to come up on a pack and sleeping bag, and eventually got some new gear together for my travels.  Being that I was homeless and that the homeless people I was around tended to drink and do drugs I started drinking pretty heavily.  I didn't really give a fuck at this point.  I had battled and was still battling pretty heavy depression as well as not feeling mentally well for over half a decade, and had just lost my love after getting my hopes up thinking things were really going to work out between us.  

I started drinking, then was doing some coke, then some molly, then some meth, and then finally my buddy offered me heroin.  Wow, I hadn't done heroin in over 3 years.  Being at an all time low in my life I said fuck it and did some heroin, and it felt good.  I started doing it regularly being that where I was in Seattle was basically a candy shop for drugs.  I was up smoking meth and heroin all night one night + drinking.  The next day I felt so fucked.  I felt I had really pushed my limits and come close to dying.  I wasn't really caring because of how hurt I was but realized how close to the edge I had really come.  

I decided to call my grandpa who lived near the area.  I went to his place and rested up a day or two.  I decided to fly home to my hometown because where I was and who I was with was bringing me down real fast.  Plus the memories and what had just happened with my girlfriend was really messing with my head. 

I came home and am back in CA in a relatively good place.  I ended up getting stung out down here and still struggle to give a fuck about life but at least am in a place where I can recalibrate.  

It's interesting after Iboga even having done a large quantity of drugs I can feel that the Iboga is still helping me, and that I am in a much better head space than where I'd be in I hadn't taken Iboga.  After first drinking again I would notice the Iboga was still helping me.  The more and more I started using drugs again though I notice the effects less and less.  

I want to do Iboga again, at some point.  I would like to take a trip to south america at some point, and incorporate ayahuasca into my experiences.  

I am not sure what I am going to do now.  I guess I'm just chilling right now, trying to get back on my feet.  I'm still pretty hurt from what happened between me and this girl, I suppose that will mend in time.  Right now I'm just trying to take things slow and take care of myself.

Well, just wanted to share and post an update of where I'm at.

Hope everyone is doing well. 

Thanks for reading.

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💬 13 comments

13 Comments

georgena92· 3d ago

Is a beautiful and easy to read recap, thank you. You are very lucky that this was not prolonged, she could of built you up more and hurt you worse. She has some mental issues, no? Like bi-polar? Be very careful around those folks and especially when in recovery keep a good distance, they can lead you right back to the drug of choice. Some kind of whiplash effect making the need to use much more than it ever could have been without the romance or potential there of. Deliberately fucking with peoples heads to get off on their drone piloted demon struck bodies that they don't own anymore. There only getting off for the sake of ghost hosts and psychopathic parasitical entities that have lingered on the inhabit weak human soul bodies. In the blemishes of time they keep laboring to reek havoc on life on earth. _________________________ If I could offer some words... Feel the pain, deep deep deep feel it raw without any buffer let it seep in to never have to do it over again. Get it over and done with here this life so you don't have to keep pressing repeat. The utter beauty of the pain will be the same reflection of the boundless infinite joy faculties bestowed to your growing heart. Keep with the ones you love and love you and ditch the posers holding on, there dead already unless they can see better examples.

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riverbend· 3d ago

Thank you for the advice. It is nice to hear your words. This sounds about right...

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georgena92· 3d ago

It will take time to recover from the PTSD caused by interactions with people that afflicted. It just takes time and medicine and lots of love, to realize you deserve the best in this short life. Please stay with us and be part of Iboga success stories in the hall of ancient memories. Let us be with you on your journey and call when in need, family Iboga tree.

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riverbend· 3d ago

thanks

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roxine· 3d ago

Damn surfing, Love can be a bitch huh? I am sorry you had to go through this as I have been in a similar situation and it devastated me.. it is when I began using opiates in fact. Hang in there and know that, yes, time does heal all wounds (of the heart). I hope you can get back on your feet soon and learn from this experience. roxine

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riverbend· 3d ago

thanks roxine

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georgena92· 3d ago

Surfing you strike me as a very capable and mature soul, so I truly think you have a lot to offer others. It's rare that folks can be resilliant enough to face up to their life and keep coming for more truth. You've also been extremely forthright and honest with us here and therefore with yourself and that always seems to be a key component in recovery. Hope you can see what I see in you from afar.

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vividmeadow80· 3d ago

I think it's far better that it ended this way, rather than you enter the relationship, or have kids, and have had her pull a stunt like this on you then. Maybe for some reason or the other, she felt that you guys weren't meant to be together. And pulled the plug on it now. I also feel that you are a completely different person post Iboga. Maybe an improved 2.0 surfun1. You will find the right person for the new and improved you. Just time for grieving will give you wings. Like you'll probably be hearing the Iboga tell you - sort your shit out. Choose the best possible life possible (and the best possible woman possible even) and live that life. Live the dream and keep us posted.

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riverbend· 3d ago

This is very true. Thank you for the encouragement.

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riverbend· 3d ago

Thank you, I really appreciate your words and support. It means a lot especially right now. I am doing much better today and have hope.

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riverbend· 3d ago

Well she has fucked with my head more than what I could ever find the words to write in this post. I found out that within days of her cutting me off she started seeing someone, and older man nearly 50, almost twice her age, and has been sleeping with him ever since. I have cut communication on all ends and won't be contacting her ever again. I appreciate the help and support from this forum.

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mistyturtle· 3d ago

Good decision bro. A lot of really smart people have offered great advice. This advice hit home with me as well. Before you were born there was no light...know you see the light in the darkness. You are coming home bro.

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humbleaspen· 3d ago

Wow that sounds pretty fucked up Obviously that girl has some major issues for her to behave like that, sounds like she has split personality ? Glad to hear ur doing better now tho and I think it was brave of u to venture out into the world again

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