Iboga Loca -- Humor in a Jugular Vein

Q:  How many does it take to screw in a lightbulb during an Iboga session? A:  Two.  One to take Iboga and hold the lightbulb plus a sitter to guide him to the socket and provide support while the room spins round... Better than the Tim Leary attempt? Peace, Love and the Engineering necessary to combine them into a Functional Assembledge, The Squeakster

Nice one!

I am mortified (kool word ya don't see too often) (certainly not from the mouth of a politician) (or a mortician, for that matter) ! ! ! Aren't the Golden Gates some things out in Californio??? Though I really meant "Pearly Gates" a case could be made for Golden Gate Park back when "freak" was a pejorative... Allow me to correct humble self:      Q:  What did St. Peter say to Timothy Leary when he arrived at the Pearly Gates?      A:  "What you doin' back here again?" There, that mo betta. Riffin' 'n Spliffin' 4 ur Delight McKnight

Hey Fallout, K00L avatar!  That an Ansel Adams or a self-portrait? Here's my latest photo (from my drivers' lic):

That is a wicked self portrait!   My avatar is actually a real tree after getting a couple branches cut off.  The mouth was already there.....very cool I say!

I like it a lot!  Did you Photoshop it?  I enjoy taking fotos, especially nature, and have rudimentary pshop skillz.  If you want to send me the original, I would enjoy riffin' on it & will send you the results... Meanwhile...  the latest findings from the humor lab:      Q:  How many junkies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?      A:  None.  Junkies don't screw. McKnight

HAAAA!!

*****groanzz*****

I have posted this link in another area, but this is its true home. Allow me to introduce you to one of God's truly miraculous creatures, the amazing Wood Spider:      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

Classic!

Ya!  Crakks me up every time I see it ! ! ! Feelin' muy good 2nite!  Feels like I just got somethin' off my chest... Y'all heard about the 1000 yard stare, I bet.  I was out practicin' the 1000 yard SMILE  2nite. Just like the 1000 yard stare, the 1000 yard smile emanates from the eyes. Yeah, I see you Yeah, I'm smilin' like a mother-freakin-idiot ! ! ! Love Ya! McKnight PS  --  Don't I see a smile forming on you lips, too?  Yeah!

Been meanin' to get some Lenny Bruce in here.  My hero.  The "Louis Pasteur of Junkydom" and comedy. His wiki page:     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenny_Bruce The airplane glue schtick:     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSfk6nKSCcI Repeat as necessary.  ENJOY!  ~eon

OK.  This is Really funny.  I mean Really sad.  I mean Funny and Sad.  No, I mean SAD but FUNNY... Yeah, doan really kno watt I meen.  BUT.  Here goes:  Your Flag Decal Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore © John Prine     While digesting Reader's Digest     In the back of a dirty book store,     A plastic flag, with gum on the back,     Fell out on the floor.     Well, I picked it up and I ran outside     Slapped it on my window shield,     And if I could see old Betsy Ross     I'd tell her how good I feel.     Chorus:     But your flag decal won't get you     Into Heaven any more.     They're already overcrowded     From your dirty little war.     Now Jesus don't like killin'     No matter what the reason's for,     And your flag decal won't get you     Into Heaven any more.     Well, I went to the bank this morning     And the cashier he said to me,     "If you join the Christmas club     We'll give you ten of them flags for free."     Well, I didn't mess around a bit     I took him up on what he said.     And I stuck them stickers all over my car     And one on my wife's forehead.     Repeat Chorus:     Well, I got my window shield so filled     With flags I couldn't see.     So, I ran the car upside a curb     And right into a tree.     By the time they got a doctor down     I was already dead.     And I'll never understand why the man     Standing in the Pearly Gates said...     "But your flag decal won't get you     Into Heaven any more.     We're already overcrowded     From your dirty little war.     Now Jesus don't like killin'     No matter what the reason's for,     And your flag decal won't get you     Into Heaven any more." Is political humor really humor? Or, is it just plain sad?

Gallows humor is my favorite. But that was a bit trite. I'd have more to say if I were in any way funny myself, lol. T

<<<   CAUTION:  Rant Alert   >>> Trite?  Maybe so.  That song, and the message it conveys, are things I am determined to carry close to my heart, always.  I would never accuse you of being a closet Republican.  But, there's a WAR goin on out there. People with an amerikan flag on their helmets are out there killin people. It's so FUNNY I want to CRY! You're probably too young to have seen the horrors in Viet Nam. (I'm trying to flatter you here.)  It grieves me that people who used to shout "Hell no, we won't go!" are silent when filling their gas tanks is at stake (which it is NOT). In my day, back bout 1000 years ago, they had to draft us to get us to kill someone.  How come conscientious objectors are no longer newsworthy?  Where have they gone?   How have we been duped into believing they're terrorists and we're not? The sadness and sorrow and guilt felt by both those returning from Viet Nam and by those that never left home has left a gaping and raw would in the US phyche.  So now, people turn to denial and yellow ribbons.  People, I don't care how hard we pretend not to see it or how many million yellow ribbons we try to hide it with, out communal spirit is suffering another gaping and raw wound. I don't care how many yellow ribbons people put on their cars, KILLIN AINT RIGHT. Come on, my fellow humans, JUST SAY NO! Admittedly, a large part of my intense emotions on this subject are the product of guilt.  I feel sorrow and regret that I don't do more.  That I was silent.  That I didn't go out and put my body in front of the innocent to shield them from the madness. Well, at least some of the guilt over being silent has been lifted. I wish you ALL peace and love!       ~eon

Trite, yes. Not very well written, lacking in effectiveness as far as evoking any emotional response in me. Simplistic. Hackneyed. Closet Repub? Not even close. "You just a young punk (or punkette as the case maybe) and don't know that war is not a happy, joyful thing." You're really saying this to me? Because I think that was some poor writing? You really believe I think war is a happy, joyful thing? I think you know me better than that, even if just through this electronic medium. I have treated veterans in mental institutions, I have seen the devastating soul effects of being made to witness and perpetrate violence. The mind shattering blows from having to absorb a malevolent belief system in order to, well, follow orders. You're barking at the wrong person, but I don't mind being your projection screen/crash test dummy. I'm badass and ten feet tall, but better than that, I know and respect myself. You take care, friend Eon. With love and compassion, T

Dear Tia & Forum Friends, Please excuse my above outburst.  War is a subject that I feel very very strongly about.  It is a very raw, painful nerve.  It is a source of anxiety, frustration and depression for me.  While I realize that blaming another for what I feel, the way I feel, is a loosing game, I would rather feel pain and remorse over the unconscionable aggression perpetrated by my government than feel nothing at all.  Though, perhaps, you don't see the term 'closet Republican' as being very  insulting, mean and nasty, to me it is probably the worst  thing I could say.  That someone is pretending to be intelligent, rational and loving on the outside, while remaining a hateful bigot on the inside is the most spiteful thing I can think of.   Calling someone a "closet Republican" implies that the person knows what the right and proper ways to think and act are, but chooses the opposite. I KNOW Tia is NOT like that.  Shame on me for even suggesting such a thing.  I KNEW, when I wrote the response, that Tia in NO WAY supports the current religious wars, but my emotions were ignited and reason fell by the wayside. I apologize to you Tia. I had been thinking:  "This Forum is so great.  No flames.  No insults.  Just good people saying loving and helpful things."  Then I go and become the first violater of the peace.  Shame on me for saying such a thing. I apologize to all you Forum Members. To assure that I do not make this mistake again, I am using part of the lyrics in my signature.  I plan on leaving it there until the current wars in the mid-East are over. Maybe we should have a 'Rant Room' where hotheads can go and scream and relieve the pressure from time-to-time. I wish you all the same thing I wish for myself:  Peace & Love! Your Emotionally Unstable Friend, guenevere_walks

A rant room is a great idea, I have about a million OT things I'm hot about. That's untrue. It's probably closer to about 60, but really that can be reduced into about three categories: disrespect for life, misuse of power, and the mainstream media. No worries, friend Eon. No shame, either. You did, you saw, you corrected. Now you can hit restart. This is my joke: Two atoms are walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "Hey! I think I just lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" First atom says, "Yes! I'm positive!" Love and butter, T

haha - cute joke Tia... You guys are on my cloud, I have been thinking about a sub forum called "the Vent" pretty self explanatory...no holding back : just piss and vinegar, man...we'll see about this one asap...til then someone wants to start a thread in general discussions, be my guest... great idea!

Here's one I just heard, but it's probably been around for a while.  So stop me if you've heard it before...         A bunch of honkies were saying:  "Yeah, we'll have a black president  --  when pigs fly!"      And they were right.      First we got Obama      and then the swine flu. Soo-eee!  ~~  et

Nice one Eon!

Erm, I don't get it. Does this allude to the fact that the virus can be airborne? Or are there pigs in transit I don't know about? Honestly, I don't get it. This happens more often than I like. ;P

Oh gawd. Now I get it. flu=flew Eon, thanks. Doh!

Tia!

...oh okay. yeah, I get that...haha  I always laugh at the word 'honkey', it's just so...appropriate. here's a little plagiarism: A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Perfect Cal!  Thanks for that one!

There's this bar in LA.   The bartender (You remember him?  He's the cute one with the messy blond hair?) is wiping off the bar and humming a tune from the musical he saw last night, when... In walks this scurvy, scabrous pirate.  He's a ugly cuss;  you can tell he smells bad before he's through the door.  The parrot just shit on his shoulder.  The patch for his missing eye is halfway down his cheek.  He's got long ratty hair, foul and greasy.  He clears his throat and hawks a green toxic gob on the floor. But what's really strange, this pirate's got a steering wheel jammed halfway down the front of his pants.  Yeah, it's a big steering wheel, too.  Maybe off a '57 Chevy or something.  Halfway down his pants! This is one thing the cute blond bartender, who has seen all manner of strange and kinky things, has NEVER seen before. The pirate thumps up to the bar on his peg leg and slams his hook down,  "Yarg!  Shot o' rum an a flagon o' ale!" The bartender runs off down the bar and comes back with a shot of rum and a glass of beer. The pirate grabs the shot with his one good hand, the beer with his hook, and tosses 'em down.  One, two.  Wham, bam. "Yarg!  Shot o' rum an a flagon o' ale!" says the pirate.  And down they go.  One, two.  Wham, bam. Then the pirate just sits there, all quiet like.  Before long, a wave of pain passes across his face, a tear gathers in his one good eye... "Ah, pardon me, sir" the bartender says.  "I so hope you don't take this the wrong way, but..." and he pauses, not really sure how to continue.  "I couldn't help but notice that you have a steering wheel, ah, uhm, er, in your pants." The pirate only growls, but a big tear starts to roll down his scarred cheek. A gush of sympathy and compassion sweeps over the bartender.  "Oh, sir" the bartender says,  "that steering wheel looks so terribly uncomfortable!"  The bartender drops his eyes, pauses, and then continues:  "I certainly don't want to pry, but..."  He looks up into the pirate's one good eye and says:  "That steering wheel looks so, it looks so, it looks so very painful.  Doesn't it hurt, having that steering wheel, you know, in your pants?" The pirate looks back at the bartender, squinting through his one good eye and slowly shaking his head.  "Yarg!" he finally says, putting his one good hand on the wheel.  "Aye, matey, it be true.  This here steerin' wheel, it be drivin' me nuts!" (BTW this is probly best read out-loud in your deepest, coarsest Long John Silver voice.  ~et)

HAHA!  Good to see you Eon!

Hey guys an gals, ripped a coupla more off the web.  Don't tell anyone where you got em from!    Q: How many drug warriors does it take to change a light bulb? A: We believe that a balanced approach of increased interdiction, stronger criminal sanctions and a concerted propaganda campaign directed at children can reduce the prevalence of broken light bulbs by changing society.   Q: How many drug warriors does it take to change a light bulb? A: No one's sure, but they are going to need a lot more money and complete control of society to do the job right.   Q: How many drug warriors does it take to change a light bulb? A: GET DOWN!  GET DOWN!  PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!  DO IT NOW!!   OKAY, PUNK, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT JOKE ?   Stolen from:     http://www.efficacy-online.org/Humor.html --------------------------------------------------------- "LSD is a substance which can cause psychotic reactions in people that don't take it." - Tim Leary   A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, "Can you help me?  I think I'm a moth." The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist.  You need a psychiatrist." "Yes, I know," the man said. The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?" The man replied, "The light was on."   Q: What's the difference between a tweaker and a junkie? A: They'll both steal your stuff, but the tweaker will help you look for it the next morning.   Stolen from:     http://www.erowid.org/psychoactives/humor/humor_joke8.shtml

This is a gooood-un!  And so apropos!

HAHAHA  Dude - where on Earth did you find that?? Good one man...

Oopsie!  Got so involved it getting the images chopped to fit right, I forgot to give credit.     I followed a link on erowid's humor page:      http://www.erowid.org/psychoactives/humor/humor.shtml To the source of this comic masterpiece:      http://partiallyclips.com/2001/12/30/joggers/ Ya Hoo!    ~et

I just moderated myself. Here's to extreme radical moderation! et

Which one was funny? Do men really like that still about women and wives?

I meant -think- like that still. Is being married still seen as a chore-war? And women are only worth their holes? Wow.

Eh, it's Andy Rooney, giving one liners, I wouldn't take it to heart, too much..

I'm similarly shocked when female acqaintances send male bashing 'funny' jokes and stories. Divide and conquer.

OK, let's see who this one offends: 25 Little Known Facts of Christianity 1.  IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2.  ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3.  LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4.  THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5.  SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6.  SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7.  MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8.  THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9.  THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10.  THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11.  MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA.. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12.  THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13.  DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14.  SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15.  WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16.  WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18.  ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19.  JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20.  IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21.  THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22.  THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23.  ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO ATAXIMAN. 24.  ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25.  CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. These 25 'Christian Facts' were said to be compiled from answers given by Elementary School children in Roman Catholic schools to questions about the Old and New Testaments.  Original spelling errors, as the CAPS LOCK, were preserved. ~e

Good stuff

When Insults Had Class  --  These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:      She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."      He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Disraeli:      "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."      "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner(about Ernest Hemingway). "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends..."  - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.  "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang(1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

yeah man that's good stuff...

Nice.  Love the classic insults.  Where do you find these? Or is that your little secret... Anyways, keep it up!!

My little secret is that I look for 'em constantly. PS --  Now that you have heard Handel's Messiah performed by 1000 chinchillias, how do you like the cartoon?  ~!et

Well I thought it was funny at first, but now I don't get it...because after what I've experienced/still experiencing, how the hell would one be able to take ibo and go for a jog?  I couldn't even make it out my door for hours from the ataxia.  Maybe I'm missing something tho? GB

Hahaha!  Nice Eon.  Would that be like.. Ball Licking Anonymous??

Yeah, that's it, BLA! Now, if they only had support groups for leg humpers! ~et

hahahaha!

Just wanted to share this recent photo of Cal and myself. Can anyone tell who's who? Buddies 'till the end!    ~et (If you couldn't guess, Cal's the handsome one!)

[[[  BTW folks, ya need to be logged-in to see the photos and attachments. ]]] Don't know if there are many raccoons where you live, but there sure are 'round here. Q:  Why did the chicken cross the road? A:  To prove to raccoons that it could be done! Here's another good reason to cross the road...

I was about 10 and was having Sunday dinner with Grammy & Grandpa and my family at G&G's home in Maine. Everyone called Grandpa "Chet" as a nickname for Chester. It was quite the fancy spread, with roast chicken and bowls full of good stuff -- Grammy's best silver and linen tablecloth and napkins were out. I was sitting next to Grandpa when he nudged me with his elbow. Grandpa had a bit of the trickster in him, and he used to play a little joke on me at the dinner table when we sat next to each other. Didn't matter if we were out at a restaurant, someone's house or at home -- at some point he would give me a nudge, look me in the eyes and then indicate with his gaze that I should look down toward his lap. He'd be holding a balled-up napkin in his hands. When he saw that I was looking at the napkin, he would flash it open and display his false teeth. He'd get me every time. Like a total sucker, I would look down EVERY TIME. I suppose he needed to clean his dentures and took advantage of it to tease his grandson. This time was just like all of the others when he had suckered me into looking, except... "Chesta!" It was Grammy's scolding-voice loud and clear -- remember, she was from 'down Maine' -- "You leave that pooah boy alone and put them teeth back in your head!" Grandpa and I Were Busted! There was nothing for us two naughty boyz to do but hang our heads in shame and shut up.

TheOnion  |   June 11, 2010 Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism? A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fc9JzvuvNkA&

I don't know where you find all these gems, Eon, but they just cracked me up! The youtube segment on shamanistic teenagers was hilarious....this is a great thread...keep'em coming!

Thanks for the encouragement, sassy.  Since you are a Canadian, I thought you might find this amusing.   ~et Why Can't I Own a Canadian? Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura that was posted on the Internet: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them: When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

OMG, how did I miss this one??? ROTFLMAO!!!! "Why can't I own Canadians?" I love it...It's probably a good thing that most Christians don't study the Bible more than they do, they're scary enough as is. Laura S. is a frightful creature, especially when she tries to teach women how to be "real" women. Here's one of my old favorites: A fellow goes in to see his doctor to get the results of some tests he had done the day before. The doctor says to him," Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you.""Ok, tell me the good news first " says the guy. " Ok, the good news is that you've got only 24 hours left to live " the doctor tells him. "OMG, if that's the good news, what's the bad?" the fellow asks. " I forgot to call you yesterday."                                                                               *****************************

Thought this was funny..