(Long)...Lost

hi brightwillow thank you so much for opening up fully here, you should not be ashamed, you can be proud to have found the courage to post this. you opened up completely, showing your wound fully. this is a theme for me these days, it has been on my mind -  coincidence? .. i will say a view things that crossed my mind as i read your post, i don't know if this is good advice, just what i feel i could say to you in good spirits.. after years of not reading a lot i have been drawn to reading spiritual literature again, and two books in particular influenced and facilitated my growth and i would like to share them here, hoping that they can help you: Stephen Harrod Buhner's The Secret Teachings of Plants this book is not only about plants but about how to live with an open heart, how to shift consciousness from the mind to the heart, such that when you encounter an phenomenon you will contemplate with your heart, instead of rationalising it with your rational mind. in the case of your fear, the teachings of this book would tell you to contemplate that fear with your heart. i'm not sure if this is meaningful to you, to me this is very practicable advice! and it has helped me make deep realizations about the teachings i have received in the past. a long time ago i had an epiphany in which i was given the living knowledge that all comes out of nothing. that was ~ 17 years ago and i have since tried to rationalize it! the teachings in this book have taught me how to deal with this and other spiritual phenomena - when a living phenomenon makes an impression on you, you should come again and again to the feeling that it has produced in you, contemplating it with your heart, over and over again. as i read this, my almost 2 decade long struggle comes to an end. i discover now as a truth that i can not have a rational copy of the living truth itself. but what i can have is much more - the living truth itself! this brings me to the second book: Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj's I AM THAT the truth that he talks about, i believe, can only be felt it you already had a glimpse of it. i say this as it is surely also rationally possible to follow his thoughts, though it might be very repetitive. however if you did have a glimpse, then what reading him will do for you is this - it will remind you of the feeling and as i read it, this is exactly what it did - i was contemplating the truth that came to me with my heart and it made full of joy, interrupting my thought processes, washing me in a wave of healing! let me share an other lesson that i have received which might be useful to you. i am continually finding that as i grow spiritually more mature negativity/conflicts and fear don't have the effect they used to have - to make me unhappy/dark and afraid. instead i perceive them as energies which, on a good day, i have the choice to use to become acutely present. i feel you suffer from a great spiritual crisis from which you will grow mature and strong, i believe that you would not be facing this challenge if you where not ready - you are a lucky guy you say that trust is at the heart of the issue. i feel that it might be unconditional trust. i find that trust is an aspect of, or like, unconditional love. i mean, there is also conditional trust/love. where you will only trust/love a person/phenomenon if you have a proof that the person/phenomenon is trustworthy/lovable, where it has shown you that it is trustworthy/lovable. who sees/feels/knows the deep flaw in this?! to me, i found this to be primary and i feel that we are all growing toward a maturity where we see/feel/know it ourselves ever deeper! we melt more and more one with the love and grounding trust that lies at the core of nature. may you be well, bless you, momo

I believe the truth is inside all of us, and when we are ready we are drawn that much closer towards it. This guys book has helped trigger me. http://www.lulu.com/shop/thomas-minderle/transcending-the-matrix-control-system-vol-1/paperback/product-20151497.html;jsessionid=BEB43966DD70D51D4377ED3EAFAF569E

Thank you for the replies - heartfelt and genuine. Mo - the Bruhner book is incredible...I left it in Mexico and will pick up another copy. Never got past the halfway mark in it and I have never read a book so slowly before. It is amazing.... I'm a lucky guy eh? Lol...well friend, you aren't the first to call me that in he last 24hrs...though what kind of luck I wonder  Thanks to you also crazy, I will peruse those books as well. I felt that I was risking coming off like a head case or big crybaby if I shot that post out here...but man, this is my home in so many ways, I would be doing a disservice to us all if I hung back anymore. It is late - or early - depending on your point of view, and I will try to crash a while. And may I sleep in peace tonight for a change... Warmest regards to you my friends...Cal

Hey brother Cal! I feel your pain, I do. I feel/felt like that quite often, and continuously trying to improve upon it.  Just want to say that you have lead a lot of good into this world ALREADY. I can't imagine how many people you picked up and just showed them another option that saved their lives. Including mine! And I feel indefinitely in debt for it, I'm sure there's others as well. Remember that.. You've already lead a positive, game-changing life, and if karma and/or a god exists, I think you'd be in good hands. What worked for me, well on and off, now on again; I'm getting weary of the circle myself but keeps getting better as I continue to be persistant. But ask around about a shrink/therapists, I've done that in the past year or two and found one that actually pretty decent. He knows about my drug past, still is encouraging, helping me lay down a better development of life for my future. And doesn't say no to a needed script as necessary. Ask around, dismiss the ones that disregard you because of your past before you see them or pay. There are some decent docs out there, just not many. They fluctuate so much.. The other part that works for me the best, which I know you know this of course, is ENVIRONMENT (I'm just a very strong believer in this area). I know so many people that move out of state, counrty, city, w/e to get away and start a clean life. A small percentage may, but for the most part what I've seen.. Is that they find out that the same drugs and type of people are in all these areas. It's hard to pick and choose the people to stay in contact to when the people you've enjoyed the most have been school buddies now turned addicts. It's hard, I've came back to my parents house after flooding the first time and that change of environment and me cutting off loose links did wonders. You've helped so many people man, reflect on that as I wish you the very best for your future. Sometimes it's best to just stand back and help yourself. Sometimes you only find yourself after you've lost everything. Writing/venting it can actually productive.. I always try to keep up but forget more times than not.. need to work on that. Anyways, much love and healing to you brother. Thanks for everything, Do whatever you gotta do to get found again. As tedious as may be.. It's there. GB

Thanks for sharing Cal. I remember reading all your posts when I first came on here and now again after coming back and you have helped me, so I am one in a long line who is grateful to you. I feel I am in no position to really give offer wisdom but I will try, even if that is not what your looking for. I find life when is lived right things are very is very simple. Live clean, work hard (or work to find something worthy of your time like your iboga work or whatever you love) and be with the person you love. With this us animals are pretty happy. Keep sharing and listen to your heart rather than your mind. You know your heart knows the truth. I find San Pedro is good for initiating this if you need a nudge. Best wishes brother, if I can help with even in any way I would love to.

If it helps I had or have been in a similar state for the past week or so, really 2 weeks.  The "spell" or "panema" was recently broken by 3 days of microdosing 500mg twice a day and then finally last night I had 500mg of some super concentrated TA.  I could literally feel it pulling away the layers of worry, gloom and stress that were holding me down.  I never thought I would say 500mg of TA was the most healing experience I have had to date.  Alas I think I found a tiny niche for my soul.  Today might have been the happiest day of my life, for no apparent reason.  Also the actual experience was nothing unbearable, it was a perfect breeze into my issues and a gentle pulling up of the covers over my being.    Much love for you Cal.  I know I haven't been a good comrade of late, due to my misunderstandings and my lack of consideration, but in my books you will always be a stand up fellow...worthy of continual happiness free from the ebb and flow of samsara.  Next time believe me I will not be relating with drama starters or drama brush fires.  Blessings and continual support unto you.

Hi brightwillow, you mention creator, faith and then shrink.... it all feels too 50´s to mee... + psychedelics which will get you to the 60´s.... I have to be haiku short, since am in rural Mexican beach.... take care roxine_writes

Want to thank you all...it helps to air this kind of thing out, I'm just always hesitant to do so until feels like I'm about to crack up. I was thinking of 'panema' earlier KP - always these synchronicities make an impression on me. I do not think I am quite ready for kambo again yet - luckily the moon is waxing and I have a bit to gather myself in case I decide to try again. I think I may microdose this week a few days  - see if that can hep break some of this up, but there also has to be a cognitive component to 'whatever' I do to get through this particular time. Thank you all, mistyturtle, GB - for your kind words - and Jox for the haiku lol..., and thanks to the PMs and phone calls, I have gotten a good deal of love and support from you all and it really goes a long way. Breaking the ice maybe did help to unloose some energies - I'll try to engage the flow and hopefully snap out the worst of it. Love and light and blessings, Cal

Hi brightwillow, You do post a strong positive vibe, nothing wrong with that.  It seems like your going through a rough spell, oh how I hate when that happens.  I don't know, is Mercury in retrograde??  Well even if it was it would not last two months. It's all doom and gloom you really should see someone.  Most counties have a place for those without cash (thought I was gonna say without funds didn't ya) and they will get ya a therapist. You talk about past deeds well we all pulled some... bad stuff when using, isn't that one reason we quit and want to stay quit.  Yeah, we all relapse sometimes too, it sucks, no doubt.   Right they have to come to their own conclusions, of hand I would say we are here to try and make the world a better place - end of story.  Of course that is only my conclusion.  And whatever your guess is it is as good as mine.  But if you think about it you have done a lot of good and helped many people, may of saved a life or two, definitely made life worth living for others. It sounds like depression but who am I to say, you really should call someone. A 12 step program might help, might be better than a shrink or therapist, by all means give it a try - do something. Also, I would try and do without all but the most necessary of drugs, kinda sounds funny if ya think about it.  Maybe a little weed but off the hard and addicting stuff, easy on the psychedelic and I am not sure about SSRI type stuff but did you by any chance start taking a new med of some kind?? Look at all the people that has have problems that are on this forum so why should you be all that different - go ahead and unload. Keep in touch,   cinderpath

Hey just wanted to reply and say my life has gone shitty for the past couple months, feeling worthless, helped so many people, don't think I would ever make a living with plant medicine.  I feel it is a calling that some have and not everyone life is gonna go great all the time.  I know for me I need to be doing something where I feel productive so for me it is just a job that gets me by these tough times and allows me to save.  When i first did iboga I saved my friend's life, she was a nurse that was out of control with coke/pills, i admit I was addicted to the sex so my iboga session at Sara's house was a pleasant experience for me, a hostile experience for her but we ended up splitting.  She ended up saving her career, we ended up living together at couple points since the past few years but it's never getting ahead for me.  I had no luck in getting anywhere near my career. When I got back from Sara's, and old high school friend gave me a lead for a tech support job that paid 10/hr.  I ended up getting it but I had another better position which lead to a 3rd interview.  it was a software quality assurance job that paid 35k, I ended up going to my first day of the 10/hr job and asking the hiring manager if I could postpone the hire date.  For what?  I said I had another interview i was considered.  Most people would have b.s.ed this but i was honest and ended up not getting any of those jobs.  What furthered my depression was a few months later my brother got me a tech support interview that paid 18/hr which was sweet!  The interviewer asked me if I was a drug dealer!  No.  But I did get a felony charge on marijuana which i pleaded guilty to a misdeamanor drug para...so he told me I should work that that 10/hr job because if I had just a little bit of experience there I would be a good fit for the company.  I tried to get a connect again from my high school friend, to no avail.  I screwed that up.  This lead me to a big depression. A year or so later...I'm at my So my nurse friend invited me to her brother's wedding, i go to nyc and find out about the aya ceremonies are happening again, this time at the beach.  I'm staying at my former doc's house who treated me like a slave, but he paid me.  he's a big time alcoholic that barely eats but he sees himself as doctor that helped many people with his herbal formulas for hep-c.  Now he is only giving me room/board and he lost interest in kinky slave degradation, his successful son abandoned him so he wants a friend to be by his lonely drunk bed.  It's been almost a week and he lessened his drinking so I'm helping do his chores, we ate very well yesterday.  he's making me get a job, so I'm trying to round up some more ppl that I talked to months about aya and do a beach meditation, the host is only asking 20 dollars donation which is just enough for medicines and supplies.  I went to the last friday and it was amazing to be out in the moonlight and sunrise, got a girl who fell off the wagon and was sober for 40 days, the medicine cleaned her out and overall there were about 15 people, some of them were broke but the host is doing this as a true shaman would, not turning down the sick and needy. Anyways after the wedding i get an email from my brother and the old 10/hr job is opening up, its a phone slave job that has lots of turnover and i have the previous experience with phone support and email support, so I'm anxious because the i want to make one more beach meditation, if I get called for the interview i will fly down and hope by faith i get hired like last time!  I talked to my mom, my dad is terminally ill with cancer (i was living with them, got very depressed again)...so I got word back from the recruiter and now hope I get this job.  One of my intentions in the last meditation was for a 'miracle' to get a job back, I cant keep on living with this drunk, i need something to wake up, work for, and go home and feel tired and start the cycle over again.  Our country is going through a sickness...so many people are broke, no jobs, college educated Phds as the doctor told me are taking 10/hr jobs with Apple because of the name.  I only know one meditator that is doing pretty well at his job, and hes a computer network guy at a very privileged position, the last place that would go broke in a severe economic collapse. So my heart is in the medicine, i get such a thrill in helping those who really need it.  It just needs someone to facilitate, teach them about the dieta and conserving sexual energy.  I'm trying to get a guy who is suffering from Irritable Bowel this weekend, he told me that Amma the hugging saint is out today in the city, my meditator friend told me of a free concert by George Clinton in the city (the host used 'Maggot Brain' by Funkadelic as an icaro which was amazing a few times)....and friday is another night at the beach.  So I hope to make it out one more time, i will be doing dieta tommorow, juicing, bland foods (quinoa)...and hoping to get more people rounded up. hope that sounded coherent, I wouldn't posted this unless i got on this old computer that still had my logon info.  my laptop kicked me out after I logged off and forgot my password. lynnet

Brother Cal! I KNOW that you are a beautiful and good person.  You are kind, respectful and compassionate.  You, my dear friend, have a good heart.  Come on now, admit it, you KNOW it's true. It is important to you, critical, that you do the right thing, that you cause no harm.  You question yourself, you examine yourself to make sure. To know our own faults, our shortcomings, our mistakes is a blessing  --  how would we overcome them if we didn't know what they were? I, too, have had the problem of fixating on the negative aspects of my personality and behavior, of fixating on the obstacle instead of the way around it. How 'bout this?  Fixate on you problems, on every infinitesimal particle of negativity (Scientists call them 'negatons') in you being.  Then, fixate on the fixation, for it, too, is negative.  Then fixate on that fixation, and then the next fixation and all the ones after that, house of mirrors style. If that don't make you hork up you lunch and move on, well, oopsie... OK, here's another infalible idea:  Come to Tucson and check into the homeless shelter and spa where i'm staying.  I predict that after spending just a few days rubbing shoulders with sociopaths, wakkos and the criminally impoverished, you will come to the realization: "Hey, i ain't so bad after all, let me outta this freak house!" Sorry mon, i love you and would do anything to help.  I was going to be serious and sensitive and wise and helpful, but fell into the deep dark pit of my inappropriate and diseased non-sense of humor.  Sorry.  Really, really sorry! Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? See!  That proves it ! ! !  Only a compassionate, loving and forgiving Bodhisattva could pardon me for writing such trash.  You do have a good heart, you are an exceptionally good person!  (He said, being TOTALLY SERIOUS, for a change.) Love Ya ! ! ! guenevere_walks

I love you all for your kind words and good vibes. The last thing I wanted was to be a whiny-ass...I know people everywhere are struggling: financially, and otherwise. Why should I be an exception, just because I am 'me'...the issue is - I have a real hard time defining 'me' - this is the core of the problem. I mentioned trust, well this is the be all end all. Hard to trust myself. Jung said, " I believe what I know" and I agree with him 100%. But...I don't know shit. The more I learn, the more I learn how much I have to learn. And instead of this being an occasion for joy - which it has been for me in the past, it has become a burden. I am not getting younger, I am just fucking mired in time. I hate it - I can't seem to get hold of it or exert any control over these feelings of doom. I'll not go on SSRI/SNRI drugs, no way. I have tried about a half dozen of these in my life and not a one impressed me enough to stay on - and the side effects were rotten. I will share something I do not want to - but fuck it, there has to be someone out there who understands this. I do not take pleasure in anything these days, nothing. I do not even have a libido- this is WAY wrong, I'm not dead, and I never used to have a problem in this area, I mean I wasn't some 'pimp' but I got down without a hitch whenever I wanted to. I just do not care lately...to me this is telling, and a very serious part of what is wrong. It's like not wanting to eat (which is also the case) The DSM calls it 'anhedonia' - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia -   and it fits like a glove. I have had real serious refractory depression since adolescence. some was surely environmentally exacerbated - but not all. Iboga/ibogaine opened the world up to me like nothing I have ever done, but I failed in the post session of 'my part'. Got cocky, relapsed, up and down - you know the story. I won't go near a psychedelic in this state of mind - with the exception of another flood. It is going on a year since I did ibogaine hcl the first time, which I found an excellent and 'easy' way to detox - compared to the full alks, but at the same time it was nowhere near as deep and profound in the insights/visions that the wood or TA is. I have bark on hand, enough to flood probably (25g) I think I am going to next week around wed or Thurs. I know it will not get me a job, fix my credit or shine on my resume - it won't even get me a chick, but it might snap me out of this imbalance and help ME know ME again. This is what I want from it. I just do not know what else to do. I got one foot in the asylum and one foot in the 'zone'. I think I will try to reset before I trade my sneakers in for slippers and scrubs. I can't tell you guys how much it means that you have all responded, and I really do understand that I have some good qualities -I never meant to usurp any energies into a 'pep talk' for Cal - things are just really overwhelming me now, and....and I don't know. It is hard to put this kind of shit 'out there' I do not like it one bit, but I will not spurn the love and advice from caring folks here. Someone always has it worse, I am acutely aware of how shitty things could be. But all I want is to be able to take care of myself - without needing all the help I have needed these past few years. I know that healing on such a scale takes time, maybe impatience is part of my deal...but when I said I haven't grown up- this is what I meant. I am not like any of my peer group, not remotely, save for the occasional, twisted, too-smart-for -his-own-good dude I run into at 12 step groups, or the brilliant folks around here, and even then, maybe having some of the same problems and feelings, people have at least found ways to not live off of others' good will. I could be living in a box...real easy. If this reads like a gross pity pot - forgive me, this is not my intention at all. I at least know enough to understand that I am fortunate in many ways...yet I am looking for something intrinsically missing, inside Cal. Somewhere I lost a very important connection, maybe even - likely even - belief. Belief in something so important, a raison d'etre - it was ever so close and *poof* here I am blinking in the sun like I just got out of a plane crash. Anyways - I digress. Thanks to all of you - this place means a lot to me and I am very glad it has the wonderful people that make it a solid forum. It is you people that make iboga what it is. I love you.

Truly brilliant brother Cal, The Healing Crisis is such a treasure.  I am in one now (too).  Different but I think the healing crisis element of make it or break it holds true.    Many blessings on your path

Cal, I have been on here a lot lately, you seem to give this forum much attention and have personally helped me with important questions recently.  I can relate to some of the things you are going through, seems a lot of us are going through some sort of spiritual crisis, or re-birth or both... but don't ever doubt that you aren't helping people every day here, even a "guest" looking at old posts could be being helped tremendously right now.  I for on appreciate you very much, sorry you are down, I am sure it will pass. Kambo-Ibo-Combo *wink*wink

Yes  I think it is calling...but man it is going to take big yarbles for me to Kambo again. I'll do it - becuase I feel like it is an important part of whatever is gestating, but damn. I was up all night with kickass insomnia but I watched the sunrise this morning for the first time in a long while, it was gorgeous. Even in the city - the squirrels were running around - birds everywhere - had a minor epiphany about getting in to the kambo/iboga combo. It will likely happen next week, and if possible I will do kambo on Sunday, the moon should be right. Again thank you all <3

HAA! Touche brother Eon - brilliantly done, and spot on! I have come to this very conclusion regarding slaking this evening. I have taken much for granted. And I have a big mouth...I go to a men's group on Wednesday nights - it is an AA meeting here but it is such an amazing experience every time I sit with these guys that I try not to miss it. The real point of any and all these 12 step oriented philosophies is the same as any and all other enlightenment kind of modes: it is a spiritual awakening. I always complained I could not achieve this unless under the influence of a powerful psychoactive plant or chemical, and screamed to 'see the Burning Bush' Yet twice now in a week I have come close to this very thing, un-aided by ANY psychedelic drug, and both times I chickened out and let it fizzle...how's that for a cosmic giggle? I just did not think it could happen unless I MADE it happen...or at least set the stage. And to some extent this is true, sort of a 'if you build it they will come' idea, but there are other ways of building that I never gave their due. Something's happening. You're a gentleman and a scholar, McKnight. so very good to have back home.

Dear brightwillow, I have had some mystical experiences sans substances that many on these forums may question the credibility of.  Calling iboga and aya the pinnacle spiritual experiences is laughable in my opinion.  There have been many mystics throughout history who have melded with the one universal truth without the help of plant medecine.  I am not trying to discredit plant medecine since it certainly has its place in healing, although just from my brief contact with several genuine loving mystics who could do things far beyond shamanstic ritual, my perspective had been changed.  I saw shamans coming to these guys for guidance.  I find it naive that people believe plant medecine to be the highest of the high when there have been human beings who have embodied the universe. There was a night during which I was having a healing crisis and on my knees admitting that I knew nada and was desperate to please God, or my soul or whatever is higher than this damn ego.  Spontaneuosly, all of my senses heightened, "auras" came into view, and mind reading was not out of the ordinary.  It wasn't me, but rather a higher force working through me.  This has been hit or miss depending on how grounded I was spiritually and all this happened while still on suboxone.  I can't wait to see what the future holds. Also, I met a guy in South Carolina who studied shamanism in the Amazon for seven years.  Lots of aya and other ceremonies.  He said that he no longer needs that stuff and can go deeper than ever before.  He also confirned that the mystic who had guided me was the real deal and then some. I feel blessed because I continuously ask for these people to cross into my life and they usually do at the right time.  We all (or most at least) need guidance of some sort to point out the truth living inside of us from moment to moment. Blessings.

To each their own and let live. Whether someone worships certain plants, an invisible god, a rock, or the moon, ext. or whatever else, the one judging is the one out of place.  Acceptance of ones faith is the only way to be granted the ability to choose.  Otherwise one can never have their right to choose if they are judging someone else's choice of faith.  I think the iroquois constitution has a good outlet.

Thanks for sharing that, lights...came at a time when I needed to hear it. It is comforting to know others have had these experiences also, this is newer territory for me. All of what I have done has led me here, now. Good, bad, indifferent. All of these substances are sacred and meaningful and have played a huge part in my life. Right now there is something else simmering just under the surface and I want to learn what's going on. I think lol....blessings to you ~Cal

I disagree with the presentation but at the same time realize doing so in a debate format would digress from the topic at hand.  Now I remember why I didn't read more than one book of Krishnamurti.  I am not attracted to such non dogmatic dogmatic opinions called "facts".  Opinion is one thing, subjective.  Objective must be proven through and through evidence.  For that which you have not gone into any details other than to call an opinion or borrowed from Krishnamurti as a fact.  Not buying it but I have no problems with you chosen path of non faith faith faith of non faith or whatever you choose for you presence.  I chant Jah Rastafari and get electrical shockwaves throughout, I pray to the divine mother and get results, I worship the father through Iboga.  I refuse to limit the possibilites of the unknown.

And hindus chant Jai Jai Shiva Shambho and many other things.  Buddhists chant Om Mani Padme Hum.  The list goes on.  It's cultural conditioning, even when it is a lesser known religion found in small numbers in the US.  Jesus, Yeshoua, Jah, Jehova.  Hindus have visions of Krishna, Christians of Christ, Buddhists of Buddha, Rastafarians of Jah, get it. By the way, I have read far far far more than J. Krishnamurti.  Meher Baba, Gurdjieff, Peace Pilgrim, Ramana Marharshi, Chuang Tzu.  Never would I be stuck on one of these teachers teachings. I have gone deep into meditation without chanting anything, no mantras nothing.  Just silence and the OMMMMMMMMM becomes ones being.  Ommmmmm is all one can hear and feel for days after sometimes. I have no problem with debate/discussion, it is healthy.  It is exploration and we all can grow from it. Calling aya the divine mother and iboga the father is limiting by the way.  The universe is a bit bigger than these plants.

Also KP, I wanted to let you know that I do appreciate your healing efforts, you are a good person so don't get offended by what I say.  If Iboga is what it takes for you to commune with the highest of the high good for you.  I don't want to criticize you because I know that you have helped many people, myself included. I just got/get a little heated when it seems like you promote plant medicine as the only way to true spiritual experience.  You and I have both read accounts of individuals who were genuine mystics who have become one the universe.....without the help of the sacred plants.  Another thing.....if you haven't already read Kahlil Gibran you may find it to be fascinating.  He talks about Christ a lot.  He was one of a kind for sure, a melancholy poet whose work is nothing short of beauty; particularly The Prophet. I also love Hermann Hesse.  As you already know, Rudolf Steiner is next on the list. Keep doing what you're doing KP, you are a genuine healer. Much Love......seriously.

Let's reel this back in friends - I am glad to have all of your thoughts and opinions as I seek these out, but we can make other threads for other threads. Thanks... This one is about me being crazy and self centered so let's stick to that  PS - Lights you have any good links to Kahlil Gibran stuff? I'm short on time - but 'melancholy poet' speaks to me...ty

No sweat, I am crazy and self-centered as well, I know where you're coming from.  "Life is difficult.  The sooner we realize this the easier it becomes." -Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled As for Gibran, brilliant beyond measure.  Start at the top links and go down, read it all.  It is fascinating.  I also own the Treasured Writings of Kahlil Gibran.  It is a gem. http://www.katsandogz.com/gibran.html I think you will resonate with this and it may even help you tremendously.  I hope you pull through, I am also struggling right now.  Sorry to bring the thread off track.

Cal, Is everything alright?  It has been a few days.  Hopefully you are just busy.  Did you check out the Gibran? I hope you are doing alright.  It is true that after the healing crisis come the grand blessings.  Hang in there man.

Again, has anyone heard from Cal?  Worries me a little.

I have been stuck out in the heat at a crappy job and having little time to dig into the forum...been a shitty week - we had to put my brother's dog to sleep yesterday, he was 13 and pretty bad off. Sad, but it was the right thing to do, he was not going to get better or younger... Thanks for your concerns, I'm still kickin' and will be off work tomorrow to catch up on the goins on here and welcome the newbies. I appreciate your thoughts very much. Love you guys, Cal

Love you brightwillow, well wishes!  The other side may not be peachy but wow everything looks so brightly interwoven.