New here, lot's of questions!

Hello,
I've been lurking/and researching here for about a month, trying to learn everything I can about Iboga. I'll back up a little here and give everyone an idea how I ended up here. I have had depression and anxiety most of my life, but I never did any drugs, prescription or otherwise until I began college. I tried several antidepressants, which never fully relieved depression, and were very difficult to get off of. I was put on a low dose of clonazapem, which I have been on for ten years. I began experimenting with substances, first cannabis, which I have enjoyed, but would also like to quit, then psychedelics, for which I am grateful, as they have been a tremendous positive force in my life. 
I began to get in trouble when I discovered Poppy Pod tea the summer after my second year at University. It felt incredible- like I finally felt how I imagined 'normal' people felt, I felt alive, talkative, and slept great. Luckily my supply of these was limited to when I could find them at flower shops, farmer's markets and people's gardens (I still feel bad about stealing these from people's gardens). My final year in school I was feeling very depressed indeed, I was not doing great academically, and was scared of everything involved in becoming an adult after college. I ran into some acquaintances who said they had smokeable opium for me, and I was thrilled, as I just had done the tea, and had very romantic notions of smoking opium. When they told me it was really tar heroin, I didn't mind. 
I had graduated college and my wonderful girlfriend of the time had gone home across the country for the summer, and I figured I would just experiment smoking heroin, and when she got back, I would have been done with it and she's never know. How wrong I was! I had been smoking heroin for 2.5 months when she got back and my attempts to quit secretly had failed, and my girlfriend had noticed I was depressed, feeling sick a lot and that I was having trouble sexually (damn opiates and ED!). I really wanted to quit, it was tearing me up inside to lie to this women I loved so much, and I knew I had to tell her everything, even though that would mean losing her. It was the worst day of my life telling her, and then my parents that I had become addicted to opiates, I still can see the look of hurt in her eyes when I told her everything.
I moved back home and was put on 4mg Suboxone, and got therapy, went to AA/NA meetings and began working out and doing Yoga. I was put on the Suboxone and it did help me change a lot in my life, it did act as an antidepressant (at least for a while). I have not relapsed, nor had very many cravings, partly because of the Suboxone, but really because I truly wanted to quit, I knew I was not cut out for the life of chasing, and I felt lucky to get out as quickly as I did, before I was injecting, stealing, or living on the streets.
I had been on less than 1 mg Suboxone for over a year, and on less than .5mg for a few months. It's true the last few fractions of a mg are the hardest, I now realize I was much more anxious and moody as I tapered down. I finally took the plunge three weeks ago and stopped the Subs at around .3 mg. The first two weeks were certainly difficult, but liberating, and I had enough comfort meds (clonazapem, Inderal, and hemp oil) to where I was sleeping and eating okay. I felt excited to start and continue many projects that were on hold due to the withdrawal. The last two weeks, however have been difficult. The acute withdrawals have died down, but I'm still experiencing chills, anxiety, GI problems, and fatigue, but on top of all that I feel a deep, deep depression settling in. I feel unmotivated and simple things, like music, which even when I'd been depressed before moved me, just don't seem to give me any pleasure. 
It was before I dropped off the Subs that I first began earnestly researching Iboga, reading everything on here, erowid, and DMTnexus. I also know Suboxone PAWS can be terrible and incredibly drawn out, so I want to do a flood dose of Ibogaine to help me through this process. I have a few questions that I'll take to the general board, but let me just say hello everyone, and I hope my life story wasn't too long to read!

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💬 6 comments

6 Comments

noelani91· 16d ago

Welcome gus_rests! As you've discovered, there's is a lot of great info on this forum and I'm sure there are many folks on here who can give you some feedback. While it may not seem like it to you, you sound to me like you've actually got your act together. Congrats on reaching out to this forum despite the threat of a deep depression looming - that ain't easy to do. I have no experience with opiates so can't offer any advice other than to hang in there. take care

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roxine· 16d ago

Welcome gus_rests! Glad you have done so much research, it is always helpful for us when folks have done this before asking questions! Seems like you have done the hard part already with the subs, Iboga could definatly help with the paws. We have had a few sucess stories here about using Iboga for suboxone but they haven't been easy! I think it may be easier for you. Glad to have you here! roxine

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gus_rests_f· 16d ago

Thanks for the welcome! Yes, I feel very lucky in having a stable home life and support network. I was also very fortunate in that I was not in active opiate addiction for very long, and when I did get on Suboxone my habit was very small. I also had a strong internal desire to quit, I honestly did not enjoy using anymore when I made that decision. It is great to become part of this community, I've learned so much already just reading all the posts here, there are so many knowledgeable, articulate, and compassionate people here. I'm both scared and excited about my introduction to this plant spirit in a few weeks. I am hoping that I will have a gentler having a little time off of the Subs, as well as being in a good place overall mentally. Being overanxious I tend to overanalyze my symptoms, and the PAWS/depression I'm experiencing right now isn't horrible. I've been eating very healthy for a while now, exercising, and getting out a little bit, and I had acupuncture today and feel alright. I believe even where I not coming off the Suboxone, I would be compelled by and drawn to Iboga at this point in my life. Psychedelics have done me so much good in my life, Mescaline and Ayahuasca especially, but from what I've gathered, Iboga can accomplish things even those two can't. I will continue to read and learn!

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brightwillow· 16d ago

Greetings gus_rests! ~ LOVE your handle my friend, any friend of Professor Tolkien is a friend of mine I'd like to thank you for such a thorough and honest introductory thread...it warms me that people feel they can be so forthcoming and 'visible' here, it implies a level of comfort that we have always strived to achieve and maintain, and I appreciate your trust very much. As other members have stated, I agree that you are in a much 'better' position than many who come looking to iboga/ibogaine for relief from Suboxone addiction...you have a chronological head start and, moreover, seem to have a good head on your shoulders: goals and a positive outlook - these will go far with you on your journey, iboga or no. Also I feel like your statement about being drawn to iboga work (regardless of needing it for addiction interruption) is a sound and true intuition. Your prior work with powerful plant teachers will certainly benefit any endeavors you may choose to embark upon with iboga - another favorable element you have going for you. I have been out of town on business and am catching up on the boards just now - and I still have much to review but I wanted to thank you and welcome you to our humble abode. Pull up a log and kick your shoes off if you like, we are pleased to have you on board!

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gus_rests_f· 15d ago

Thanks for the warm welcome brightwillow! I've been going on a big Tolkien binge lately, reading the Hobbit and LOTR for the 6th time or so. I also was reading the Silmarillion for the second time while I began reading this board and I had been wondering if you weren't also a huge Tolkien fan by your handle. In my book, anyone who has read and enjoyed the Silmarillion deserves Tolkien super fan/nerd status, even if, like me, they never bothered learning the elvish languages! I am encouraged that I'm in a better position than someone detoxing off of Suboxone to benefit from Iboga. I know people on Methadone and Suboxone tend to have a more difficult time with the PAWS, whether they take Iboga or not. I think I'm also in a good place in that I know in my heart I am done with opiates. I haven't had a craving in years, and wasn't getting high off the Suboxone. My Ayahuasca and mescaline experiences have really enforced what dark and soul-destroying substances opiates can be. I have seen the spirit of opiates during these experiences as a black (not african-american) temptress women who promises so much but in the end enslaves and drains my soul. My experiences with psychedelics after quitting heroin and opium tea have been so much more wholesome, real, and even more enjoyable than the opiates. I never have the urge to abuse psychedelics either, in fact, I really don't think I get to use them enough- maybe 6 times a year over the last three years. I am still a little nervous about Iboga, but ready to see what it can teach me and what benefits I can derive from it. I am surviving but not thriving right now with the PAWS. I keep reminding myself to be gentle and kind to myself and know I'm not going to get as much done as I'd like to. I'd been making some really great progress meeting people, working towards being employed again, meditating and deepening my spiritual practice, and other big goals for me, so it's a little frustrating to have to slow way down on all that work as the depression and anhedonia and emotional volatility sinks in. I'm also a little over two and a half months out of a long-term relationship with a women I was madly in love with, it was an amicable and mutual breakup, but still very hard, and I honestly would be very pleased if Iboga would help me process this and move on from it. Additionally I've tried quitting cannabis, which I only do close to falling asleep, but then get intense, overly vivid, depressing dreams that make me sleep horribly and make me feel drained for days afterwards. I know a lot of this is subconscious material coming to the surface that will have to be dealt with, but I feel it is not quite time yet to remove the cannabis from my life. I'm curious how I will feel about that post-Iboga. I will abstain beforehand, but I may use the last of my cannabis edibles afterwards for sleep, and to be able to eat enough afterwards, but we shall see. That was longer than I planned, that's what happens when you don't have a specific intent!

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brightwillow· 15d ago

- you said it! I never bothered learning the Elvish languages either, it is a dead give-away that you haven't been laid in years. We can't have that, now - can we? It's bad enough I have all this useless Tolkien expertise in my gulliver and nobody else cares unless I'm whippin' them at LOTR Trivial Pursuit...which I do. This is the ticket my friend, just stay focused and keep your eye on the prize, this notion (above) is a great place to remain centered in. Best of luck to you! PS - great use of the word 'anhedonia'

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