Troublesome life coming back after Iboga

Greetings gus_rests and compassion and empathy for all you are going through.  This is a difficult time for many people, I know firsthand it is getting to be more of a squeeze on the human condition. I don't give add vice but can offer some ideas and heart felt experience.  If I were you I would make sure that your friends and loved ones are ones that will hear you out and have no fear in hearing your most vulnerable states.  If people are not willing to be attentive to your issues and true feelings than they are not worth your time and vice versa.  Find those very special some ones that can be totally vulnerable so you can get your shell cracked open and have their protective energies present to witness such miracles.  Not permissions for pity parties either, no one should allow you to feel sorry for yourself and that will never help in any way.  Your expressions is real and valuable, be naked in the beauty of such raw pain.  The only way is through, going around issues will make them worse over time no longer how long they stay dormant they will rear their ugly head eventually. In these times these issues are normal and you are quite brave to express them so cleanly.  I would only advise being raw and naked to what you are going through, don't hide it whatever you do don't numb it.  I've seen it over and over again that the only way through these issues is to address them head on.  I've also seen how doing any thing else (infinite choices) will lead one astray.  Keep your head up and heart firm and gentle.  If you ask me Iboga wants us to be warriors and teaches us how to face up straight front and center to life as sober as possible while the world around us is numbing out.

I'll share my negative synch that happened this last few weeks. 2 weeks ago i woke, to a strange object above me in my room - having had lots of these experiences since childhood, i usually know how to prepare myself. I fell asleep, and as i nodded off i saw an image of them.... this happens, you can see them in the frequency inbetween awake and sleep states. Well, following this i see allsorts of number syncs...everytime my eyes are drawn towards the clock theres a pattern...1212, 2020 etc etc. Everytime god damn time. So, i know somethings happening...possible an attempt to change my timeline - to knock me off my spiritual path...thats my theory. (Donnie Darko is a good film, that ive always kind-of related to a bit) So... im online on facebook the other day, and i join a Vegan group.  Alot of new "friends" are added including this one particular women. On facebook, i change the spelling of my secound name, in order to keep some privacy. She messages me saying "Oh, my grandma had that secound name, we could be related" I reply "i dont think so, thats the incorrect spelling". I tell her my real secound name, and she comes back shortly after and said "actually it was spelt the same as that!, i just checked with my mum!" She then claims "WOW, what a sync, the only reason i spoke to you was because i thought it was spelt like your undercover surname, and it ends up being the same as your real one! What are the chances?!!" Let me just state now that my secound name is very very unique...that unique that all the history has already been done on it, and theres "meet-ups" etc etc.  So, somehow she knows how much i get 'drawn-in' by sync's and plays on that weakness. Also, the fact she could be related somehow is also a weakness of mine... i have very little family, and ive always wanted to get to know more. So, i talk to her on the phone, and basically she seemed to know my every weakness and was pulling me down a big dark pit and beginning to control me. She already had me questioning things i took for granted like past lives etc etc. Whilst we were communicating, i lost a full nail for the first time in my life....i told no-one...she texted me 1 hour later and said she had lost one for the first time ever also. Eventually (Partially due to this thread opening my eyes - thankyou for that) i was able to pull back and see what was happening. She was a spiritually dead person, probably controlled by a negative entity, and well..... you cant say that was a positive sync. Be careful. Of course, from an even bigger perspective (life is a lesson, we are here learning) it was a positive thing, as i learnt alot... i learnt how to protect myself, and for the first time saw clearly how "they" operate...or one of the ways. Ive now blocked her, and recovered my energy and power. Theres alot happening to knock us off track...best to be aware of it.

What a bizarre story crazylife. It's a crazy life for sure and there are many pitfalls around. But not all is as it seems. For one, if those bizarre occurances hadn't plagued me, I would be having a 'normal' life - meaning that eyes would have remained shut. But... someway I still have trouble with that, having eyes opened through all that happened and embracing both the dark and light side of life. Part of me still wants to make faults and err - just like I see people around me do - and have some fun on the way. Being the Fool it is called, walk through all sorts of danger without realizing it and be protected by your own ignorance. Instead there is another path, which is more rewarding but also more demanding. Right now I feel like what patientorchard said, to find people who support you. I've been too much with people who just opposed me plainright. That could be one factor of those synchronities. Another is ancestry. I found almost enough there to explain to myself. To place blame is easy, especially if you see that for generations nobody didn't pay attention to the skeleton hiding in the closet. Why do I have to do it? I do it because I imagine a little samyama one day without that bitterhard cast-away struggle. Yes numbers, don't start about them.  But I know what you mean. The week before I flooded was filled with one crazy string of numbers. I always look at numbers, have done and still do. There is a pattern in randomness, or randomness in a pattern. How bizarre, I never imagined that there would be such complexities behind seemingly randomness.

Well sorry for this. Just gonna drop it. No reply needed, No sleep, no job, no love, bad home and too much turmoil in the subconscious. It's like a bony hand on throat choking me. A stack of problems on another. They all affirm each other and none is able to be tackled. It's like the infinity impossible puzzle to be solved by me all alone. Has been my worst nightmare and it's for real. End of august I'm going to flood again. If it can happen though, but it's the most important thing. In the mean time I feel like opiates. Can't help it just trying to stall it whatever the cost. Thanks for reading this. already feel guilty for posting this kind of thing.

Last night was a total nightmare. There was an surge or outbreak of violence in the appartment complex I live in. Around 23:30 I called the police, again. Somebody was trying to kill someone and trashing a whole appartment in the process. This happens almost daily here. Later that night somebody was constantly hitting metal tubes with something. I also noticed somebody outside trashing something around 3:30. But that was not in the complex I live. Usually I can sleep around 4:30 am, not earlier. Just can't settle to lie down, it is almost a storm in my head with all these things going on. Waking up is always terrible, I don't want to - I resent this live I can't bear it. That just adds and adds. So you get why I want to start doing opiates? And the torment is that they don't work. Nothing does and I post here cause nobody gives anything. I've tried to find help, seriously. Only to find NO GET AWAY YOU WE WON'T HELP YOU GO HELP YOURSELF. That's healthcare. So that's the end of it. I will wait until I do another Iboga flood, maybe then I can post something sensible again. Bye for now.

Hi gus_rests I really feel for and relate to you, I do however think that these are normal problems a lot of us face.  I think that people here can especially relate since most of us are or were addicts and there is usually a root cause of addiction (not always, some people have great lives and still end up addicts later for other reasons)  I think some of us have had things happen to us since childhood that just don't seem right or fair, but it is reality and that is why a lot of us chose to numb the pain for so long.  I personally have had a pretty shitty life, after losing my mother and sister in a tragic accident when I was a teenager things never seemed to get better and they were not all that great before that either.   I think now I have finally found some peace in my life.  I do think Iboga had A LOT to do with my new found happiness. For the first time, I don't wish it were me in the front seat of that car where my sister was.  My life can still be quite stressful at times as most of us experience, but I tend to look at things differently and don't get down like I used to.  Five years ago (when I was your age) I was on the verge of suicide, then I found opiates, which helped but only for a little while, then they caused more harm than good as they almost always do.  Opiates were not my first and only addiction either.  I started using pretty much everything else shortly after that accident. When I was 16 years old, my uncle died from a heroin overdose and I was the last known person he spoke with and it was also the first time he ever told me how awful his addiction was for him "If you are ever around that shit haul ass and run" he told me.  The next day, I found out he had died while I was high on extacy.  Very soon after that a lot of my friends started using heroin and a lot of them are now dead.  I feel that had I not had that conversation with him, I would probably have been a heroin addict and possibly dead myself.  I did every other drug I could find and had major alcohol problems for years too.  You are very fortunate to have not had the stresses in your life lead you to excessive drug use ( I don't think you are an addict, but correct me if I am wrong).  Things could be much worse, you always need to remember that.  There are so many people in this world suffering beyond our scope of realization.  I have seen it, I have been able to travel and seen poverty and struggle that was almost impossible to imagine before.  I hope that you can find your peace soon.  Iboga seems to make my stress go almost completely away for awhile, but it wont just take it away forever, there is a lot of work you have to do along with it.  If you are looking to prolong that glow that it gives you, you could try microdosing but I feel that if you change your outlook on your life it will help even more.  Be grateful for what you do have.  You are still young, you still have a lot of life to live and things CAN get better.  If they can for me, I believe they can for you as well. I wish you all the best, roxine PS. I wrote this before reading KP's response.  I have to agree with everything he says as well. much love.

Hey thanks a lot. I read both your replies over a few times and took some time to reflect on it. And there is something I forgot to say: This thread is intended to share experiences after Iboga with regards to your struggles. Reading someone's else troubles helps to see your own in new perspectives. So I hope others follow with stories as well. * adressing issues head-on * asking the right questions. There is a path to walk and Iboga works head-on, as well with adressing the right questions. For me this means that I have to look especially at those things I want to look away from. Whenever there pops something up and it's confronting the reaction is to put it away. This happens so many times (every day) and I am a bit shocked now I see this happening. Asking right questions is difficult. But it has to do with the things you look away from. They raise those questions somehow. I'm not really and addict in eyes of most people. But I do consider myself one: I smoke tabacco and marihuana as joints daily and though that isn't too bad, I can't help myself with it. If I cannot obtain marihuana I will go to lengths just to get it. A day without is just not an option. Also I chew coca leaves daily and they are addictive. Both I feel I need to get through the day. The combination of tabacco and marihuana helps me to relax and be able to sleep. Coca leaves helps me to keep up spirits. In a nutshell my problems are chronic insomnia and a sense of being haunted by synchronicities. There happened many things to me that I can't explain. I feel like I'm playing chess with someone who is infinitely smarter than me and I can't quit the game. I need people around me but there is a wedge. They don't understand what they see happening to me and I am unable to speak about it clearly. One example: Last summer I got haunted by insects. One night I smelled this terrible scent. I knew this to be from a green shield bug. But I couldn't find it, though every night I had this smell so close to me. Like it sought me out. Also I would wake up almost every night with some kind of bite on my skin. I suspected there were more than just the green shield bug. It was terrible. I didn't sleep for days and had to go somewhere else. But when I came back it was still there. I found evidence of it. On my glasses for example. It has secreted a very smelly substance on the part of my glasses that touched the nose. I found this too on other place. In the end (after 5 months) I found the bug, but only when it was sitting in the window - like it was ready to leave. It felt like bad black voodoo magic. And it is not the only incident. There are many more. Please share stories here. They might contains keys others can use with their issues.

Hi gus_rests, Ill not say too much, as i have my own thoughts on what alot of syncroncities are... esp those you describe. (Through fear of being rideculed) Lets just say ive had some rather extreme experiences in my life. Some syncronicites are like mind-traps.... lulling you in down the wrong path. Others are from higher beings, trying to help us. Some are soooooooooooooo in your face (Mine have been) they nearly knock me off my feet. Strange this subject is here, when i had the biggest one just last week. (Is this a syncronicity?!) Well..... all i can say is they are emotional hooks. Step back, rationalise  (Try too), and get back control of your own life. (Easier said than done) The hard thing is that some are sent to help us down the right road. Have you seen someone who specializes in bad spirit attachment removal? Do your pray for protection from positive higher beings?  You need to ask. Sounds to me like you have one of "them" fucking with you. I see them through the corner of my eye, black figures. Anyways... do everything you can to protect yourself, esp at night. Make sure you get into a deep sleep (Melatonin helps) - this way your higher self can also look over you.  Look up supps that increase REM.

Hi gus_rests - I have sort of a different take on synchronicity in general. I think it maybe a sign of initiation. in this sense you have to take the positive with the negative & embrace both equally as a relationship between yourself & the universe.  Not all initiation is fun or pretty but if you can objectively pay attention to the sign posts (synchronicities) you can grow from all of it. I think Crazylife is correct in saying these situations you find yourself in may be Emotional hooks & the only way to grow from them is to step back & really look at the situation & your thoughts & feelings Objectively. I'd also suggest the next time you feel a strong sense of synchronicity happening to you, don't focus on the thing's'or idea's' that brought you there but stop & look around you. where you are at & how you feel right NOW as well as how you felt leading up to that moment. a big one for me is numbers,what time the clock says when you look at it, the date, numbers in the room I am in or the book i am reading, etc. we all cast a shadow & fearing it only gives it more power & mystery over our lives, shine a light on it.   also I agree, Melatonin could help allot.

No I can't, really, but I do not find any solace either. I have troubles, a lot of them. But I can't really put the finger on them. It's just in everything I do. It's in me, deep down and I see it over and over in the things I encounter. Yet, if you ask me ' what's wrong with you ' I can't explain. And... on top of that, opiates don't really work on me. I've tried kratom a few dozen times and only had some effect once, just after Iboga. That's all. Also I have flake cooked opium and I do try it sometimes. I did have some effect on that once, but most of the time I get just a stressed feeling in the gut that remains for hours. Really, I read a lot of struggles that you and others posted. I had none of that, no one ever did something worse to me or people around me doing bad stuff to theirselves . None of that. So I feel ashamed to post something like this, why on earth do I need to do this? It's just that I am stuck on all fronts. It's like the opposite of all big problems people have. Things just don't happen to me. They're all small petty problems, no job - can't sleep - don't find love - or have some luck - whatever. But all of them together make a living hell or put better a nightmare. It's like a prison, having no place to go but home. And home is a bad place that's makes me feel even worse. On top of that, it's been like this for all my twenties. There just never has been any real fun for me. I only did survive and learned some skills. Whenever I solve one problem another takes it place. Like I got rid of my neighbour who pounded on the wall each day, now another neighbour is back who shouts all day. Or when I find a job or have some appointment I suddenly can't sleep anymore. These kind of things, it goes on and on. Last night I dreamt a heap of people tried to grab me and throw me in front of a moving train. That's the kind of stuff I have often. It's so profound, yet how do you talk about such disturbance deep down? The only clue I have is that I can't solve things. So on a basic level there could be something wrong with metabolism. Stress issues can linger on and on in me for weeks at a time. Say something bad to me and it won't go away. I keep going over and over it again and again. Maybe you have forgotten it - I don't, I can't somehow. The feeling in my gut just stays and won't stop pounding. Also I don't keep up with all these city lights, wireless equipment and such.When darkness falls and streetlights go on, that makes me feel disturbed. I can pull my hairs one by one, just for not being able to communicate it. It probably sounds like whining kid that isn't happy with his life. And that's probably true. Sometimes I feel like my chromosomes just want to split out of agony.

well samyama, I hope things start looking up for you but I guess I still don't understand why you want to start doing opiates if you haven't had an issue with them in the past, especially if they do nothing for you .  Could you try microdosing instead or maybe a booster?  I don't think starting to use opiates is going to solve anything and no one here will tell you it is any kind of solution to your problems, they will only end up making things worse in the long run. good luck, roxine

Caught in the vicious cycle.  In the amazon it is called 'Panema' In such serious conditions up against such odds I would attack at every angle full frontal assault of your issues within.  Everything outside is your reflection of your inner state.  Ouch it hurts, but who is to take responsibility when things go well?  Must find nature, what is keeping you in the shitty city?  Farms around?  Woofing?  Interning?  Phuck cities, asking for troubles.

gus_rests, I ditto the advice that opiates will not solve any of your problems. Well, not for long anyway. They only temporarily dull your feelings. In the end things are worse. I speak form experience. I understand the stress life is causing with the things being thrown at you. Life can be a pain in the ass sometimes. Your trouble with sleeping is I'm sure compounding things. I have tried about every drug or supplement there is for helping with anxiety or sleep issues. Short of the addictive things, I have found few that really helped. I have however found some that were helpful for me. Passion flower was surprisingly good for both anxiety and sleep. Loses effectiveness after repeated use and you need to take breaks. Gotu cola also worked to some degree. Gabapentin, a prescription drug that's pretty easy to get in the states and has few side effects, is good for mood and also  helps with sleep. Melatonin lost effectiveness quickly for me. I offer these suggestions only as an effort to help. It's easy to tell that you are greatly distressed and I know that feeling well as do most of us here. Someone here once posted that when off opiates(or whatever DOC) we feel like shit like everybody else. Sounds corny, but gives the issue of life problems perspective. Probably the best advice that helped me came from someone here who I first thought was full of shit, but has come to be a friend I rely on. It's simple--a change in attitude to a positive one toward whatever we face or have to deal with. It's not a magic cure by any means but does have dramatic affects if utilized consistently. I also have stress issues and the trouble getting to sleep sometimes but this change in approach really has helped. Hang in there. Things will get better if you hang in there. Best of luck.

gus_rests, I apologize if my previous posts sound uncaring (not my intention at all).  I just really hope you can find another way to deal with your troubles than adding another potentially dangerous one to your life with opiates.  It seems to me that you are severely depressed.  I agree with KP that getting out of the city for awhile could be very helpful. Do you have some friends or family away from the city that you could visit?  Are you anywhere close to nature?  Could you just get away from the apartment and find some solace somewhere?  Maybe a solo camping trip or hike would help.  Getting some good exercise would be good.  Maybe you could try to find some volunteer work helping someone or people that are having struggles worse than your own and if you could find something like this that involved physical labor that would probably help you sleep better (nothing makes you sleep better than a day of HARD LABOR!)  Once when I was at a very low point in my life I decided to volunteer and deliver meals to folks with terminal illness.  It felt good to help and was a way to force myself to see others who were suffering in different ways than I was.  Also volunteering looks good to potential employers.  Maybe you could use that as a gateway to find a job.  Starting new things like that could help more than one area of your life. I also agree with Fritzerman in that changing your thought patterns helps  tremendously.   In fact, if you don't, I don't see much changing.  Things CAN get better but sometimes you have to do something to push yourself in a different direction.  If you only allow yourself to focus on the negative, your situation will probably not improve.   You also really have to want it.  Some people (and I am not saying you fall in this category but I do see someone on occasion who is like this) thrive on negativity and feeling bad for themselves.  These people also seem to suck the energy out of those around them and it it ends up making their loneliness and despair worse because no one wants to be around them.  Sometimes I find myself complaining about things that I shouldn't be.  I notice that I do it a lot more when I have extra stress in my life, but I DO notice it.  I catch myself and tell myself that I will go as long as possible without saying anything negative even if I am feeling bad about certain things.  I become aware of it almost every time I start doing it now and I force myself to say something positive instead.  It helps me, maybe it could help you too? roxine

At first, I was a bit angry and confused by your posts about wanting to do opiates after your flood when you never had a problem with them before....that just doesn't make sense.  Then I realized you are just having a crisis, a major cognitive dissonance.  You envision a much different life.....and you are just plain STUCK, like you said.  Whether you do another flood is your decision.  You should wait at least a few months before flooding again.    Throw away all your thinking that you cannot "solve" anything.  Put that shit in the trash! Now open your eyes and start thinking that you can achieve happiness.  You know what you want.  So go fucking get it!  Your goal is to create a sacred space.  A place you can call home, and maybe bring a lady to.  This is true joy in my humble opinion.  I felt hopeless when I kept relapsing on Kratom extracts and deciding to smoke about 15 cancer sticks a day for a decade.  But I am a completely different person now, extremely volatile, emerging from the darkness.  I have found enlightenment and inner peace.  I choose not to smoke cigarettes (over 4 months) or do any opiates because I do not want to mess with the divine natural opiate system.  The point is this is all a choice.  If you tell yourself everyday that you are stuck, then you will likely fulfill that prophecy.  It all boils down to cognitive dissonance.  The good thing is you realize that you want something different.  I was also stuck in a big city for awhile, and when I finally fulfilled my goal of living in the mountains......everything started falling into place it seems.  It's been a long tumultuous ride to shed that old way of thinking that I am not able to have a happy peaceful life.  Once I started reading "Being Peace" by Thich Nhat Hanh, working with Iboga, doing yoga, especially tuning into vibrations with chanting, healing my brain with nootropics, meeting like minded people who you connect with....my old model of thinking I was hopeless was in the trash.  I still have tons of "stress" around me, life can be a Tsunami of issues....but you do have the ability to remain calm and raise your consciousness.  Maybe you should find a local coffee shop or library or something to get some peace and quiet in your day, until you are able to resolve your lack of a suitable living situation.  Maybe pick up that book, Being Peace.  Once you realize your true potency and relieve your cognitive dissonance, you will be experiencing the life you feel is satisfying.  Life is one big juggling act, and sometimes it can be tough.  But to breathe that beautiful breathe in a moment of complete awareness, that is what gets you back in tune with a cognitive harmony.  Design your thinking, and manifest your existence.  Don't get bogged down by the "bad medicine."  Make a plan of action to get on the right path and try and get excited about it.  Consider healing your brain with nootropics (at your own risk), and starting to change your thinking.  Sulbutiamine and Noopept have really helped me in the past few months....in more ways than I can describe right now.  Contact me if you want to learn more on some of the lifestyle practices I have chosen to embrace.  It is my mission to share this with the world, and raise consciousness.  You will turn your corner Samyama, in due time.  Just set modest goals and smile.  You are alive and far from out of options, and you know this deep down.  Along the way, remember to stop time and just BE in the NOW for a little while each day.

Maybe an acceptance that some incarnations are just supposed to be damn painful might help?  Stop fighting it so hard.... your learning. Your not supposed to heal yet, otherwise you would of. Its not a waste because your not shacked up with a stunning 6 foot blonde and your not surfing everyday. Quite the opposite.

Bro, I think you have a rosy view of how life should be. That there should be no crises. That once one crisis goes away - that nothing else will trouble you for a bit. That the next Iboga flood will sort you out. That opiates will numb the pain. That you NEED marijuana and coca leaves to survive. --- Excuse my language. But life's a fucking cunt at the best of times. Every single person who replied to you here on this thread is in a state of crisis. Every single person on the face of the planet is in a state of crisis (unless they sign out of society, and live as monks, and who knows what demons drove them there in the first place, and what demons they fight). Problems are there ALL the fucking time. Some people drown in opiates, marijuana, alcohol, sex, internet, gambling - anything to make them feel better. But the key is to understand life IS full of suffering. Going into a drug hole is more suffering. Like someone here's tagline says - for the psychedelic experience to be transformative. YOU must transform. The iboga gives you a kickstart. But what next - it's all upto you. He helps you along - but you need to do at least 80-90% of the work. And you'll hear the Father saying this to you EVERYDAY post flood - sort your shit out! sort your shit out! And you are saying no. no. no. Maybe it's an entrenched pattern. Maybe you want to be in your self pitying drug haven. Maybe maybe maybe.. BUT.. that's all mental masturbation. Woe is me shit that will do more harm than good. Man, life is SHIT. But step back from the five sense reality paradigm. Live in the Now. And realise that everything around you is GOD, and made up of unconditional love and light. And entire universe created just for us to enjoy ourselves. You chose this life. You were SO excited to start this life. Heck, your immortal soul is still having a ball, no matter what your present five sense reality self feels. Create a past reality that's empowering. Create a future reality that's empowering. And ditch the old negative historical paradigm / life script you carry around. Ultimately all pasts and future's, whether empowering or disempowering do not exist. But I feel like shouting this out from the tops of buildings - shouting this out to you - its a fucking fucking fucking beautiful life. Sure, its IS a fucking cunt too. But man, reach out and grab a fruit and chew into it, walk into a nightclub and make out with a hot girl, pull a deliciously filthy girl back home and fuck her up the bum, walk into a yoga class and fall in love with an awakened spiritual girl, have babies with her, meditate, do yoga, learn a musical instrument, eat right. Just fucken demolish the fuck out of life. Problems will ALWAYS be there. We are ALL always in a state of crisis. But like the Iboga told you - you are GOD. Everything around you is GOD. Man, that body you inhabit is a temple. Give the identity you are assuming now a spanking good life. Fuck money. that's a trap. Time, freedom, mobility. Those are the goals. With simple needs you can be anywhere in the world having a good life. Learn NLP and do therapy and help people. Learn a music instrument, become good at it and teach people. Hold workshops. Get a voluntary job that pays your food and board - there are a gazillion of these out there. Everyone of us replying to you has a fucking huge bag of woes. Heck, we can have a competition to see who got fuckered, is getting fuckered, will get fuckered by life the most. None of the problems you spoke of are game changers. Sure, you owed a little money. And you live in a run down place with noisy neighbours. And maybe you have bigger problems than that. lalababa lost her mum, sis and uncle rat a tat tat. A lot of her closest friends. BOOM. Taken away in one fell swoop. What fucking insect bites and insomnia? I don't mean to belittle your problems. I'm sure they seem like the biggest problems in the world - more than anything else, because they're your problems. Go ahead bro. have your opiates. Smoke dope and chew coca leaves, and drown in the life you have created for yourself. The Iboga, Im sure is showing you the road ahead if you do this. But he is also showing you the road ahead if you sort your shit out. And you are saying No, fuck that shit. i want more drugs. I want more misery. Because I've always had misery and don't know better. Haha, ok. Now my tone gets a little harsher. So I'll tone it down. Man, beautiful fucking life out there. Just look out. Sun shining. People laughing, fucking, eating, playing, dancing, singing. The world doesnt stop being an awesome place, just because you don't see a way out of your problem hole. Drug haven, and drowing in a narrative of self pity OR demolishing the living fuck out of life. Go for the opiates, weed, coca, idle mind devils workshop life - OR bend life over, diddle her clit, pull her hair, bite her neck, and call her filthy names, make her scream as you give her a balls to the wall billy goat banging as you both have the biggest orgasms of your life. It's a swinging pendulum the outcome of which side it falls to being decided with every decision you make, and every action you take in the everpresent everloving NOW. You're driving the car. Your feet are on the gas. It might often be a shitty shitty road. It might be a shitty car. But it's still the best damn ride in the world!

Thanks for replies, against the odds. This one nearly had me. Haven't been through such a thing in years, if not ever. Yesterday kambo and today again. A lot of puke, but it was a piece of cake after being choked like this. Hope that's enough for now. We'll see. For one thing, I at least have a better understanding now of what's going on. To be able to speak about it, without sucking the juice out of everybody and leave a damn nasty taste behind. It's like this: A pre-cognitive thing. A cornerstone of being. Heavy burden of ancestors, present life and the outlook and setting of mind. Whatever that may all mean... The point is that 'I' am later in sequence than this pre-cognitive thing. What that (could) mean is that it is very very difficult to change views cause there already founded on, or set against an inherent flaw. Because of that 'I' will get hurt again and again. There is big load of negativity already on it. It seems to have been passed on to me. But my family forbids talking about this. What I can do is deepen my practice of yoga and meditation further. Maybe, maybe I'll be able to get under this flaw and learn how to prevent being hurt in future. This'll take time. And I have been on this for years now. With society this is problematic. I'm on my own. There would be a lot of countries were I would be dead by now, either killed or killed myself. I'm too damn fragile and susceptible to vicious cycles. This is the gist of this pre-cognitive thing I think. Going somewhere is difficult still. It's so toxic, my home and all spinning around. And so I'm usually too tired to go anywhere. Besides, the vibes go with me and cause further trouble. Also a very hard lesson I've already learned. There are good sides to me though. I will probably do something down the road that makes up for it. Or I hope so and have to try. If there's anything I need, is some patience. Being harsh doesn't bother me, I already am that myself. It's just that being ignored is the real killer for me.